Open-Thread Thursday: I Couldn’t Make This Stuff Up If I Tried (mildly NSFW), and Sales

By Voxy  

Bwah hah hah. I’m putting this one in just for A Biologist, who thinks I make this stuff up. If you are currently eating or drinking anything that you might spit up on the computer monitor, I encourage you to finish chewing and swallowing before going on.

IT Cosmetics has created the “My Beautiful Breasts” kit, because OH MY GOD I HAVEN’T BEEN PUTTING MAKEUP ON MY BOOBS! WHO KNEW?!?

The thing comes with the “Library of Secrets Manual” (no, I do not think that is a euphemism for the Kama Sutra), Waterproof and Sweatproof Bust Shadows and Highlighters, My Firm and Beautiful Breasts Primer (a primer for your breasts? Are you kidding me? And oh my God, the name), Setting Spray (because … why, again?), Bust Stain – Semi-Permanent (Warning! Warning! Danger, Will Robinson!), a Mini Buffing Brush, and a Dual-Sided Body Contouring and Highlighting Brush.It’s so cringeworthy you just have to laugh. So I’m reprinting the entire directions.

First, apply My Firm and Beautiful Breasts Primer to clean, dry skin. Rub in the primer in a circular motion until fully absorbed. Once the primer is absorbed your skin will be primed perfectly for your desired definition. Next, define your breasts to their sexiest! Once your breasts are defined, set them in place. Hold the Setting Spray 6-12 inches away and mist the areas you chose to define. For the Appearance of Enhanced Cleavage: First, choose the defining shade that best matches your skin tone. Next, use the pointed defining end of the Body Contouring and Defining Brush to apply the defining shade, tracing along your natural cleavage lines. Once these lines are drawn in, buff out using a circular motion with the Mini-Buffer Brush. This will create a natural undetectable defined look. Next, use that same shade to contour above and below your collar bones. Optional: To finish the look, use the large contouring side of your brush to dust on your choice of highlighting shades lightly across your entire bosom as well as to the collar bone and shoulder areas. For the Appearance of Larger Breasts: First follow steps 1-5 to achieve enhanced cleavage. Next, take your defining shade and pointed end of your Body Defining and Contouring Brush and define a circle around your entire breast. Once these lines are drawn in, buff out using a circular motion with the Mini-Buffer Brush. To add the illusion of even more volume, chose your favorite highlighting shade and use the large contouring side of your Body Defining and Contouring Brush to apply the highlighting shade to the inner area of the circles you defined. For the Appearance of Smaller Breasts: First follow steps 1-5 to achieve natural enhanced cleavage. Now, using the large contouring side of your Body Defining and Contouring Brush chose your favorite defining shade and apply to the entire upper breast using a circular motion. The defining shade will absorb light instead of reflecting it, giving you the illusion of a smaller bosom. For the Appearance of a Breast Lift: First, follow steps 1-5 to achieve a natural enhanced cleavage. Now, using the large contouring side of your Body Defining and Contouring Brush chose your favorite highlighting shade and apply to the entire upper breast using a circular motion. The highlighting shade will attract and reflect light creating the illusion of a higher, lifted bosom. Semi-Permanent Definition – Using Body Stain: Important Tip: If you want semi-permanent definition using the Body Stain, first make sure to practice achieving your desired look using the breast shadows and the steps above. Once you have perfected the areas that you want defined and enhanced, simply follow each of the steps in this manual, but instead of using the defining shadows, use the Semi-Permanent Body Stain in their place. Using the Semi-Permanent Body Stain: Once your skin is primed with the My Firm and Beautiful Breasts Primer apply the stain to the areas you desire definition. Let stain completely dry. Apply a second coat if desired. Wash hands immediately after applying. Wait 30 minutes before direct contact with water or clothing. This stain will darken considerably over the next 3-5 hours and will last several days.

“Once your breasts are defined, set them in place.” Set them in place! With a spray! “No matter how wet or sweaty you get – your breasts aren’t going anywhere!” The mental imagery on that one just kills me.

Oh, the mind just boggles. There are no words, really. In case anyone wants to purchase this product (and PLEASE let there be one of you who decides to purchase it), it can be found here for $69.

Sales!

Sephora VIBs can get 10% off through 6/7 with code V436CB.

Beauty360 (the upscale arm of CVS’s cosmetics department and the site from which I got the information above) has 25% off through 5/30 with code VIP25. So I guess the kit above would only be about $52.

Smashbox has 20% off through 5/28 (tomorrow) with code FF2010.

ENDS TODAY: Beautyticket, 20% off with code CITY20.

Photo via beauty360.com
Be Sociable, Share!

7 Comments

  1. avatar Froggy
    Posted June 8, 2010 at 9:56 pm | Permalink | Reply

    You haven’t seen this product, have you?:

    http://www.uddercream.com/

      (Quote)

    • avatar Voxy
      Posted June 9, 2010 at 12:23 am | Permalink | Reply

      Oh, yeah! That’s been around. I used to see it at Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods and other earthy-crunchy places. It might have gone more mainstream now for all I know.

      Aside from the mild shudder factor of the concept, it’s actually not a bad cream (because OF COURSE I had to try it!). My mother also tried it, and it made the palms of her hands peel after about a day or so, though.

        (Quote)

  2. Posted June 2, 2010 at 12:23 am | Permalink | Reply

    This is so darn funny, I must share it on my FB page. Thanks for the laugh!

      (Quote)

  3. avatar chaosbydesgn
    Posted May 28, 2010 at 6:39 am | Permalink | Reply

    Heh! That’s brilliant. I read it in the lab and am now laughing semi-hysterically at the computer screen as I type this. Oh well, my colleagues think I’m crazy anyway.

    Are you going to test this product and give us a review?

      (Quote)

  4. avatar Grasshopper
    Posted May 27, 2010 at 2:11 pm | Permalink | Reply

    Brilliant.

    I wonder what happens when you take off your bra, though. Because, suddenly, all those sultry shadows and highlights are going to be misplaced.

    Oh my. I just went to youtube to find a how-to video I’d seen a few months ago, demonstrating how to give yourself six-pack abs with makeup. Instead I found a demo of the My Beautiful Breasts.

    The model looks like she’s been gardening in her bikini. “And walla!”

    And *what* is up with the demo artist’s blush?

    Enjoy!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJlSIFbdlW0

      (Quote)

    • avatar a biologist
      Posted May 27, 2010 at 2:31 pm | Permalink | Reply

      That’s absolutely great!

        (Quote)

  5. avatar a biologist
    Posted May 27, 2010 at 1:47 pm | Permalink | Reply

    Thanks for the warning, Voxy! You saved my laptop from coffee and toast.

    I was aware that makeup artists created chests and abs for films, but it had never crossed my mind that real people would draw cleavage on.

    The most unbelievable part is the cost. For $69, you could buy a good bra.

    But I like to imagine my breasts going for a walk if I get wet. “No, that pool is just too cold. You’re on your own, A Biologist.”

      (Quote)

Post a Comment

Your email is never shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*