I’m Going With “Maybelline”

By Voxy  

“Maybe she’s born with it — maybe it’s Maybelline.”

You choose.

Below are the images from Maybelline’s 2012 calendar, which have just hit the web. Every year Maybelline puts out a calendar that is supposed to predict and/or dictate (predictate?) trends in makeup for the year. Photography by Kenneth Willardt, via ExposureNY. Shall we have a look-see and ruminate on which looks we might wear to work or school?

Let’s do.

JANUARY

Nope. Cool nail polish; wish I could wear it. Next!

FEBRUARY

 

Uh, no. Will consider wearing the outfit to school. If you replace the newspapers with sheet music, that could be me teaching a class. The likeness is uncanny.

 

MARCH

Aaaaah! Run for your lives!

APRIL

1980s! Glad you’re back. I missed you. And, dear readers, take note — not only is there GOD-AWFUL GOLD GLITTER on the lips, but the glitter is star-shaped! That’s right, ladies of Dynasty — be jealous.

MAY

This is possibly my favorite. There is so much to pick at in this one, and that’s without even mentioning the blue lips! First of all, I want that superhero outfit. It has a breastplate. Literally. That plate has breasts. And they are pointy. Are they weapons? Possibilities abound. Because it is, apparently, metal, it also is a great way to cover any little water weight gain from last night’s debauchery at the Caped Crusader Cocktail Lounge, or to disguise your lack of a Superhero Six-Pack in the abs department. And it has a NAVEL! I would wear this to work in a heartbeat. No sleeping in my class, that’s for sure!

And the boots, oh my God, the boots. I want them. They have WINGS! Or fire. Or flaming wings. Anyway, something. And they are evidently Christian Louboutin. And I am so glad to see that gloves will be back in style, particularly ones with giant cuffs to catch any stray crumbs of food that you might spit out when suddenly confronted by a supervillain. Totally practical. You notice she has chosen these gloves over the eminently sensible but very un-couture blue ones in the bukkit bucket. Stacy London would approve.

And the hat! I mean, the head thing. The helmet. The … well, I don’t really know what it is. But I’m sure it’s awesome at being whatever it is. And it certainly is a great accessory to Jazzercise in, as our model so elegantly demonstrates.

Oh, was there makeup? I hardly noticed.

JUNE

I see now that my previous (unsuccessful) attempts to do maintenance on my own car failed because I wasn’t wearing leather boots with a five-inch heel, and because I throw out my stockings when they get holes in them, and because I shower occasionally. Who knew?

JULY

Oh good, finally something easy and practical that doesn’t continue the superhero theme. Oh, wait.

AUGUST

Because every woman needs to look like a traffic light. Do the various features change color? Like, do the lips stay green for awhile, then briefly turn yellow, then turn red? Because THAT would be awesome.

SEPTEMBER

When I think about my friends who are in Science, this makes me just howl with laughter. So that’s what you do in your labs all day, is it? Uh-huh. Okay. Nice lab coat. And she has only the finger part of gloves on. Now that’s practical.

Makeup-wise, this is possibly the most wearable look we’ve seen so far, although I know that’s not saying much. The two-tone lip is an interesting concept, and I dig the lime green. (No, seriously, I do.)

OCTOBER

I’m not really sure why I would want to paint my face like a subway map. Could I use it to give directions?

NOVEMBER

Leaving aside the makeup for a minute (though there is more STAR GLITTER! In different colors! And does that model only have the one eye?) — is it really necessary to have a woman in a skin-tight, half-open mens’-style suit straddling a giant microphone stand (with four phalluses) telling us to vote? Yay women! Vote faster and harder! Ride that vote! Ain’t America great? (I am HORRIFIED, in case you can’t tell)

DECEMBER

I have no words. It makes me want to just beat my head against a wall.

Oh, Maybelline. Sigh.

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4 Comments

  1. avatar ab_grp
    Posted January 7, 2012 at 2:55 pm | Permalink | Reply

    I sorta kinda liked the subway model’s look. April was appealing to me, too. Both looked better at a distance than in the close up. When any of these are inspected closely, one cannot help but wonder what wacko world the ad folk live in.

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  2. avatar a biologist
    Posted January 3, 2012 at 8:25 pm | Permalink | Reply

    I had no idea people had been taking pictures of me in the lab.

    You can’t fool me. I get the sense you could rock those pants, but I know you’d never wear open-toed sandals.

    Can I admit I like the asymetric “lab coat”?

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  3. avatar chaosbydesign
    Posted January 1, 2012 at 8:43 pm | Permalink | Reply

    I had no idea people had been taking pictures of me in the lab.

    Seriously, though, I actually like the eye makeup for February (minus the letters) and April. But I wear leg warmers, so that should tell you how I feel about the 1980s in general.

    I do like how the “all dogs this way” sign appears to be pointing at the model in December’s picture. That could be…uh… misinterpreted.

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  4. avatar marigolds
    Posted January 1, 2012 at 1:01 pm | Permalink | Reply

    Well, at least now I see where ANTM gets their photoshoot look inspiration from. (Cause they damn sure didn’t look like any editorial I’d seen in Vogue and the like.)

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