People’s Choice Awards Beauty: You’re Kidding Me, Right?

By Voxy  

I swear to God, I must have been born on some other planet.

I don’t know which planet that was, of course. I don’t even know if it was in our solar system. All I know about it — and this is purely inductive reasoning here — is that its inhabitants are probably generally human-shaped, drink martinis (possibly for breakfast), and have a deep and abiding love for all things girly, pink, and/or covered with rhinestones.

Where I apparently differ from Earthlings (in particular, mass media) is in my understanding of beauty. To wit: the following pictures, which are part of a BellaSugar slideshow on the 2012 People’s Choice Awards entitled “2012 People’s Choice Awards: See the Coolest Beauty Details Up Close,” under the general category of “Prettiest Hair and Makeup.” BellaSugar is a hefty presence in the beauty blogosphere, straddling (or attempting to straddle, anyway) the divide between “corporate/magazine PR site” and “individual beauty blogger.” I always read their posts with skepticism, but this time I’m just plain flummoxed at what they are choosing to laud as “prettiest.” Is it just me? It’s OK if it is, really. I’m used to it.

Images by Getty, via BellaSugar.

Ginnifer Goodwin

OK, look, I love Ginnifer Goodwin. And I am a sucker for ABC’s Once Upon a Time. It’s a guilty pleasure. HOWEVER — I do not think that the shape of your eyeliner should mimic the shape of your hair. On Planet Voxy, you can either have a flip in your hair or a flip in your eyeliner. NOT BOTH. Also, while it’s nice to see that even perky pixie Ginnifer Goodwin has undereye circles, isn’t this the reason that you have $1,000-an-hour stylists in the first place? Also, WOW, those brows are close to her eyes. And noticeably a different color than her hair. Yes, brows should be a little lighter than your hair color, but this much difference definitely implies that one or the other is dyed.

Kelly Osbourne

Aaaaaaaaah! OH MY GOD. This is terrifying. Seriously, I will have very un-foxalicious nightmares tonight on account of this.

I get that she likes to experiment with hair color. Really I do. But this looks horrible. Horrible! And when paired with red lips and orange eyeshadow — and you will remember that I am a surprise fan of orange eyeshadow — it’s just hideous. Her stylist is doing her no favors.

 

Lea Michele

More Aaaaaaaaaah! If I ever find out who was behind the “Let’s Make Opaque Lipstick in Candy-Cotton Pink and Convince People It Looks AWESOME” movement, I will shoot him. Or  her. Either way. Good Lord, this looks terrible. Also, wow, look at those lashes. They look like the stuff you put on buildings to keep birds from sitting on them.

Kat Denning

Holy drawing-outside-your-lip-line, Batman! Conventional wisdom: People don’t actually notice this. Real life wisdom: They do.

Jennifer Morrison

Ow. That hair looks hurty. And it makes her look hard. Also, please please please go back to being a brunette. It was so much more attractive!

Kaley Cuoco

I think we’re supposed to be looking at the nails. But I can’t tear my gaze away from the eyes. Those terrible, terrifying eyes. And the brows, which are not quite as terrible, but that is like saying that Kim Jong Il was not quite as bad of a tyrant as Pol Pot.

 

Now, lest you think I’m a complete snark (too late, right?), here is a picture I actually liked. You know, just to show that I’m fair and balanced.

Jennifer Lawrence

See?

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