Foxy Voxy's Academic Beauty Collective

Two thousand years from now, when people (if they’re still around) look back on the accomplishments of the early 2000s, what will we be remembered for? Will it be that we cured cancer, achieved world peace, and colonized other planets? Sadly, I’m betting it will be that we paid people to run rollers spiked with needles over our faces. (And Jersey Shore.)

From the fine people at Style.com’s Beauty Counter blog, an overview of the Dermaroller skin needling system. Written for Style.com by Afsun Qureshi, and snarkily annotated (in pink) by me.

“A small handheld roller covered in tiny steel spikes, the [Dermaroller] tool is designed to leave thousands of pricks as it glides over your skin, causing trauma to the epidermis and stimulating the repair process, thus boosting collagen production for a coveted youthful glow. It may sound suspect, but the technology behind it is legit, according to U.K.-based dermatologist Dr. Samantha Bunting, who has become one of its increasingly long list of acolytes.”

Here’s my favorite sentence:

“Dr. Bunting, who advised me against seeking out down-market versions of skin-needling kits for sale online or in drugstores…”

Ya think?!?!?!!?

“…explains that the efficacy of the treatment lies not just in simply rolling needles over the face, but achieving the optimal needle penetration with pinpoint bleeding and swelling, which often requires a physician’s care. Don’t let words like “bleeding” and “swelling” deter you, though [!!]; the semi-frightening process can really do wonders for remedying acne scars and stretch marks, as well as increasing general radiance. It also has a lower risk for post-procedure problems, like pigmentation, than lasers and chemical peels—and is considerably less expensive (a single treatment with the good doctor costs about $485 [So I can pay almost $500 for someone to hurt me with needles. Bargain!]). But patience—as well as a high tolerance for pain—are necessary if you want to reap the benefits; three to five sessions over the course of four to five months are recommended for optimal results. And it’s not a particularly, um, pleasurable experience. Despite the fact that a topical anesthetic agent was used to freeze my face, the pain in some parts was well north of a ten [Raise your hand if you're surprised. No one? Huh.]. I was red and puffy for the first day, but by day two people started telling me how rested and “well” I looked [for someone who had just had a lawn aerator run over her face]. My skin tone was noticeably clearer, too, and the circles around my eyes had diminished. Call me a masochist, but I’ll take the pain for a noticeable gain.” [You are crazy.]

Personally, I’d go for the less expensive hit-yourself-in-the-face-with-a-meat-tenderizer version, but what do I know? A poke around the interwebz indicates that you can buy your very own, so you can use it in the privacy of your own home — while you’re watching Jersey Shore, even. And according to the people who make the Dermaroller, you can also use it on your head to encourage hair growth! Because I can’t think of anything I’d like better than rolling a porcupine over my scalp. Here are the directions:

Each morning / night, after showering and washing your scalp, dry well with a clean towel. Roll the Scientia Derma Roller over the scalp in one direction (and not back and forth). Apply 1ml of 5% Minoxidil (which should be available from your local Pharmacy) to balding areas and massage into the scalp thoroughly. If you notice the scalp flaking after a few days, simply rub the dead skin away whilst shampooing your hair. Treat no more than once per day, 5 times per week.

And, in the tradition of Happy Fun Ball, here are the disclaimers:

Never share your Scientia Derma Roller with anyone else, and do not use on children or animals.

When used as a home based treatment regimen, cosmetic skin micro needling is for professionally responsible use only. Use entirely at your own risk. To the maximum extent permitted by law, we are not responsible for negative or damaging results obtained by proper or improper use of this product. Even though many of our customers have experienced very positive results, we cannot guarantee results.

Please do not use this product if you have open cuts, wounds, sun-burnt skin, active herpes outbreaks, pustule acne lesions, or any other acute infection or inflammation of the skin, have a history of poor wound healing, collagen diseases, blood problems, are pregnant or lactating, are prone to keloid scarring or have diabetes. Aspirin, Nurofen, Vitamin E and blood thinning drugs all cause increased bruising and should not be taken in the two weeks leading up to treatment.

After that, what is there left to say?

Photo from Alibaba.com, as shown on Style.com’s Beauty Counter blog.

Heh heh heh. I’ve been trying to write this post for about 20 minutes and I can’t stop chortling.

Meet Mood Swing Lip Gloss, which goes on clear and then changes color on your lips. Now that’s not so much new, since a few years ago the Smashbox folks came out with O-this and O-that (actually, I’m kind of surprised that Oprah hasn’t filed a lawsuit for Initial Letter Infringement). And frankly, this product isn’t new either; it’s just that I’m only now getting around to snarking about it. But here’s the best part! From Too Faced’s website:

“Our supernatural formulation starts off crystal clear and blossoms into countless shades of pink from cotton candy to deep fuchsia, depending on your emotional state. Are you in love, jealous, angry, happy, or hot and bothered? Your lips will tell the tale and allow you to express yourself like never before! Your moods change faster than super models change diets, now so can your lips!”

OK, let’s not even unpack all of the -ism stuff in there. There’s a lot. (And, “supernatural”???) We’ll just call it a trainwreck and go on from there. The theory of the product is that it goes on clear, determines your emotional state, and then changes color accordingly. So if you are late to a meeting, it turns “worried,” and then you get there and you find that your boss isn’t even there yet, so your lips turn “relieved,” and then you find there are donuts at the meeting, so your lips become “excited,” and then you eat too many and feel sick, so your lips take on the color of “nauseated.”

What colors are those, exactly?

I’m going to talk more about color-changing cosmetics when I do this O-roundup, which (like so many interesting blog post ideas in the lineup) must wait until after finals. For the moment, let us just say that while this product will indeed change from colorless to some shade of pink on your lips, it is not going to change colors as your mood changes. It just isn’t. Yes, these things react to body heat and pH, but only to a limited extent and they don’t change as you go through the day — and respond to your mood? What is that? Even if that did work, would it really be a good idea?

All I can say is that if it really reflects your mood, then you would not have wanted to see me wearing this during my recent Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day, the remnants of which are still popping about in my psyche. My lips would have been black. Jet black. Angry, scowling jet black. With flames. And smoke. And very, very small villagers with torches and pitchforks.

But ladies, it seems that this might be a very necessary tool for some people. A poor lost soul by the name of Megan tried this product and discovered a serious — nay, fatal — flaw. Her comment out there on the interwebz says it all:

“i love this product but how do you know what mood your in because it doesn’t tell you”

How, indeed. As Yul Brynner would say, “Is a puzzlement.”

But wait! Megan, there is a solution to your dilemma! Take the box in which the product arrived and turn it over. Yes, that was pretty sneaky of them, putting it on the back like that! Look there on the back, and if you cannot figure out your mood on your own (it is tricky sometimes, I know), then the Mysterious Too Faced Oracle will tell you! Just look at your lips and compare them to one of the six shades of pink depicted on the box. What’s that? The box is process color ink printed on glossy white cardboard, and your lips are already pigmented and you’re seeing them against the background of your skin tone, which unless you are a Sparkly Vampire is probably not ultra-white? Pish-tosh. Details. Here are your six mood choices, from lightest to darkest:

Totally Zen

Slightly Smitten

Feelin’ Frisky

Dirty Thoughts

Hot & Bothered

Bask in the Afterglow

I am not sure what happened between shades #5 and #6, but I’m sure it was very interesting. Perhaps if there were a shade #7, it would be “Craving a Cigarette.” Also, ladies, I suppose that the only moods you are allowed to have are moods about sex. Shocker.

Anyway, as with anything that first appears in Voxy’s Skeptic Files, I don’t own this product. But if you want to buy it, it’s available where Too Faced products are sold, and costs $18.50.